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Another Monday, another RAW. Ho-hum. I’m not even feelin’ it tonight.  Can’t we just get rid of WWE’s television deal too?  Is Under the Dome on yet? Can I review that instead? Can I give up on wrestling like CM Punk did and become a “Walking Dead Enthusiast?”

Speaking of CM Punk, am I the only one that noticed the guy finally looks like he showers regularly since he quit wrestling?  But enough of that; if I make too many comments like that someone on the Internet is bound to get butt-hurt!  They always do though, and I continue to not give a damn.

Go away, Mark Harmon!

Old people on NCIS.  This is a far cry from how it usually ends with hot chicks – at least the other NCIS show does.  I disapprove.  I don’t like men, let alone nasty old Lemonparty looking men.  If you don’t know what a Lemonparty is, I’m not going to tell you; go use UrbanDictionary.

This feels like a contest to see who can teach who how to suck dick.

Recaps from last week’s RAW show Stephanie McMahon verbally abuse Brie Bella in the audience.  Nobody cares enough about this for it to have a recap video so why are they doing this to us?  They transition from this stupid drama into HHH unveiling Brock Lesnar as John Cena’s championship opponent at Summerslam.

At least neither of the belts spins.

RAW starts off with John Cena.  So much for the WWE retiring the World Heavyweight Championship.  See what happens when you trust the dirt sheets?  Keep in mind, that sometimes the sheets are bored lonely fat kids in the Midwest who make shit up to get attention because they’re not allowed within fifty feet of a woman.  No source, no deal. Journalism, everyone.  But I digress. 

Look at these three douchebags we call a commentary team.  They talk about how John Cena is in trouble.  Well, duh.  John doesn’t look happy about knowing his opponent is Brock Lesnar.  He flat-out says it’s the one thing he never wanted to happen.  John puts it over like Brock Lesnar single-handedly created the Holocaust and like he’s a hired murderer and that nobody can control or stop him and while 40-something men have won the WWE championship, only 1 man has defeated the streak.  He says even Heyman cannot control or stop Brock Lesnar and if Lesnar wins he doesn’t know what that will mean for the titles.

Heyman’s neckless Jew ass comes out here to introduce himself.  He then adds that his client will conquer John Cena.  He also says that Cena will be victimized at Summerslam and if he doesn’t believe it’s going to happen, ask the Undertaker, only that you can’t because the Undertaker has never been seen again since losing.  He adds that Cena is passionate about his fans but Brock is passionate about hurting people.  Cena begins screaming and yelling about passion, rambles about ECW, and says he’s walking out of Summerslam as a champion.

It started on GRINDR.

Cesaro comes out here and Paul Heyman is confused seeing as Cesaro is no longer managed by him.  Cesaro says that he may not be Heyman’s client but he is his friend and will not allow him to be disrespected because Cesaro is a wrestler, and John Cena is a walking billboard in K-Mart sneakers.  He says you can’t wrestle in sneakers; oh, that’s right – you can’t wrestle.  Love it.  Cesaro is fucking brilliant.  Why did we take Heyman away from him again?

Cesaro vs. Cena is next.  I enjoy what they’re doing right this second with Cesaro.  He needs to be put in this tier of Superstar; not losing to Kofi every week in pointless throwaways.  Give it to Cena to cell for Cesaro’s offense.  Often Cena makes himself look like an invincible annoying pain in the ass, but it’s important that even if Cesaro doesn’t win this he looks powerful and dangerous.    Cena wins after a lengthy match that made Cesaro look more impressive than he already is and took a 2nd rope FU/Attitude Adjustment/CenaWinsFiremansCarry to put Cesaro away.

Up next, more Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon.  Aren’t you excited?  Me neither.  I’d rather sit in Magic Johnson’s lap with no pants on either of us and risk AIDS.  Randy Orton interrupts Stephanie telling HHH about her dirty sexual experiences in prison from being arrested last week and HHH explains that as long as Roman Reigns is around, Randy Orton gets no title shots because Reigns will not allow Orton to do that.  Orton says he’ll do it tonight if it means he gets his title shots back.  Orton says he has a problem with Reigns, and he has a problem with Kane (who Reigns is wrestling tonight) and since HHH won’t give Orton what he wants he has a problem with HHH as well.  He storms off to cry like a bitch, or shit in a gym bag, or smoke some weed, or go AWOL or whatever it is Randy Orton does.

Paige skips her way to the ring in mockery of AJ Lee.  Paige says she is young emotional and overreacted but she promises she will never ever act that way again.  This leads AJ Lee to come out here. 

Did AJ's Ass walk out on the WWE and stay at home in Chicago too?

I wish I could care about AJ but her lack of ass these days, continued weight loss, and the fact she doesn’t even let fans touch her in photos now all seem to make me less interested in AJ. What happened?  AJ claims not to play “little girl” games – isn’t she the DEFINITION of “little girl games?”  I mean she was hoeing with CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and Kane simultaneously.  Then she went from hoeing with Cena and Ziggler (and to an extent Big E and Tamina).  Paige calls AJ Lee crazy which offends her.  AJ hasn’t done anything crazy in ages other than acquiring an eating disorder.  She Thesz Presses Paige and they begin fighting outside the ring.  Nope.  Still not crazy.  This is WWE and this is normal here.

HHH and Stephanie are out here to talk to Brie Bella.  Since I don’t give a remote shit about this I decide to check on my laundry, get something to drink, and debate watching pornography until everyone stops talking since I haven’t jerked off lately – no, seriously.  That would still be more productive at this point than listening to the Authority speak.  We shit on Dixie Carter for being an overly-exposed annoying on-air management character; well then what are Hunter and Stephanie?  I kind of wish all “management” characters in all companies would just fuck off to be honest.  It’s the stalest character in wrestling and it has been a mainstay ever since McMahon and Bischoff became on-airs in WWF and WCW respectively.

I come back when Chris Jericho appears because unlike HHH and Stephanie wasting our time every week, Jericho can make this better.  He says he felt bad for Stephanie last week and he’s out here to cheer her up with a song.  He sings the theme from COPS and the crowd digs it, but HHH does not.  Jericho then makes the “Orange Is the New Black” joke I made last week.  Great minds think alike.  He transitions to a WWE Network joke claiming that because of the Network we can watch her get arrested over and over and over and over and over and… HHH isn’t in the mood.  I guess because it makes Stephanie look like Nailz to him to think of her in a prison jumpsuit.  Jericho has one more thing to say and asks why HHH didn’t leave the second Stephanie was arrested last week and hits his trademark “trashbag hoe” rant on Stephanie saying HHH has finally realized that.  Hunter wants Jericho to stop focusing on the McMahons and start focusing on Bray Wyatt.  Jericho demands Bray tonight and HHH says Y2J has to wait until Summerslam.  As for tonight…

…Jericho gets blindsided by Seth Rollins. And holy shit that’s going to be a good match.  Oh… and apparently while I was doing ANYTHING but listening to these people they did not talk to Brie Bella yet meaning we get MORE STEPHANIE ON THE MIC later. Stephanie McMahon is like Your Mom’s Meatloaf.  At first you’re really excited for it… unless you’re eating it EVERY FUCKING DAY, then you just want her to get lost.

What do you get when you combine Mike Mizanin and Johnny Cage?  You get Johnny Gay.  Miz is teaming with Rybaxel.  That’s like mixing alcohol and pills.  The opposing team is Dolph “You Wish You Were Concussed” Ziggler, and the “getting really boring as tag champions” Usos.  I need more caffeine to stay awake during this.

Dolph and the Usos win.  I also won by not giving a damn. Apparently while I ignored it, Xavier Woods, Big E, and Kofi Kingston looked on.  Well I guess missing that segment makes me a racist and it’s time to invest in a white hood. 

Unfortunately I come back just in time to watch R-Truth roll up and DEFEAT Bo Dallas, ending his streak.  Fuck this company.

Bo cuts an “it’s okay” promo only to beat R-Truth in the head with the microphone and beat him up in the corner.  Does this count as a hate crime?  A “WE BOLIEVE” chant starts. I feel like Blake, Asked contributor, lover of Bo, and hater of the “colored fellows” booked this himself, seeing as it’s in his hometown of Houston.

I’m glad Bo stood his ground.

Rusev and Lana came to the wrong state to hate America.  Texas is rowdy. They might get shot.  I’m actually surprised they have not been shot yet, in fact.  Lana mocks the American Flag (which I assume is to set up the Flag Match between Rusev and Swagger).

Since it’s Texas, they bash not just Obama but Bush.  I’m glad they bashed a Republican solely because Republicans match Zeb’s views better and it makes more sense for him to get offended at mocking Bush than mocking Obama.

Also now that Zeb and Jack Swagger are face they’ve traded the DON’T TREAD ON ME FLAG for the American Flag.  Zeb talks about America and what the flag and America represents including Thanksgiving and Football.  A father and son fishing, a mother and daughter learning to cook together, pick-up trucks and beer.  I can’t wait for some angry feminist cunt to accuse Zeb of misogyny for the mother/daughter/cooking comment.  After Swagger and Rusev are done talking Swagger rushes the ring and cuts Rusev off and begins beating on him.  Rusev responds by slamming Swagger repeatedly into the barricade.  The crowd chants USA while Rusev gives chase to Swagger.  Lana signals for Rusev to use the Accolade on Swagger but Swagger counters, and goes for the Patriot Lock.  Rusev escapes but gets kicked in the face and then knocked off the apron.  The crowd is loving it. 

Why, Sandow, why?  Space Sandow is fighting Adam Rose and calling him an imbecile, meanwhile he looks like he belongs with them. 

Rose calls Sandow a sad sour little spaceman and tells him to stop being a lemon and to be a ROSEBUD. Rose squashes Sandow like he’s crap and celebrates.  After this waste of time we get Reigns vs. Kane and as much as people are not going to agree with this, Kane has become KRAP with all capitals and spelled with a K.  I like Kane, usually.  Nothing he’s doing now is remotely entertaining or interesting.  He’s become TNA’s Abyss – the problem with that?  Abyss is Kane but boring.  So being a boring Kane in the WWE when you’re Kane is like… double boring.  As Reigns makes his way to the ring Orton runs interference and attacks Reigns in the crowd.  I like Reigns but Orton in “Boreton” mode and Kane in “creative’s got nothing for me” mode is souring all of this.  Reigns manages to superman punch Orton but gets chokeslammed by Kane.  Kane glances at Orton and leaves, to even Orton’s surprise.  Orton beats up Reigns for about five minutes and RKOs him through the commentary table.  Still nobody reacts all that much.  Orton tells Roman this is what happens when you take what is precious to him away in his best Gollum impersonation and we hit some commercials.

“Dances With No One” is out here.

I bet they’re having sex with the midget and not Diego just to spite Fandango further.  These women are STALKING Fandango.  He should consider formal charges… or bringing back the chloroform. Fandango is distracted by Torito and the women and loses to Diego.  This would be a wonderful night for Puerto Rico and the World if Diego had been allowed to be Puerto Rican instead of turned into a Mexican with no explanation.

Poor Fandango. If Layla is a bullfighter I want to be a bull so I can ram my horn up her ass, and I don’t mean the ones on my head.  JBL claims they molested El Torito so add that to their list of charges along with stalking poor Fandango.

Stephanie McMahon and Nikki Bella exchange words backstage (and breast implant surgeon statistics). 

#BOOTYHADMELIKE

Stardust and Goldust talk about wacky things like Cosmic Keys and they say “THEY have it.”  I hope by THEY they mean the Guardians of the Galaxy and this leads to Goldust & Stardust vs. Draxtista.  One can hope.

Meanwhile Natalya and Naomi are taking on Alicia and Cameron.  The commentators remind us Cameron attacked Naomi from behind – that’s what every red blooded male wants to do to Naomi and that big ass of hers. 

Naomi makes Cameron tap out – EROTICALLY I might add.  I get a semi. I want to star in Dogfart Productions interracial porn with all three black WWE Divas.

It’s time to get to business. Jericho vs. Rollins should be impressive to say the least. As much as I want to enjoy this match a part of me cannot because I KNOW that it will be interrupted with DEA-, Harper, Rowan, Bray, a beatdown, the really cool entrance music, and a fat man yelling FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS.

Seth Rollins on his own as a heel gets a little bit better every time he’s out here.  He’s really establishing himself as an asshole bad guy well, and unlike Orton he’s very entertaining at it right now.  I feel like he’s the hood ornament of the Authority now and it works just fine.  Predictably after a great match that is ABOUT to end in the Codebreaker –DEA- causes Rollins to vanish and the Wyatts to appear.  And I sigh.  It’s too predictable and cookie cutter and expected.  The Wyatt beatdown is getting excessive and pointless.

Jericho vs. The Wyatt’s Own Jannetty does not sound near as thrilling as fighting a Luke Harper or a Seth Rollins, or anyone.  Rowan just… is lacking something.  I don’t know what that is.  The main event is next and by “main event” I mean Stephanie talking to Brie.  Stephanie is Dixie Cartering by being on my television too much with recaps of what she is doing, multiple backstage segments, coming out here earlier to do nothing (although I guess watching Jericho mock her is great) and now main eventing the show with an apology angle that will likely end in a Nikki Bella heel turn that will make us all facepalm.

AJ Lee isn't the only one who lost her ass.  Those jeans do Stephanie zero favors.

Brie interrupts Stephanie whining and crying about jail – I was hoping Emma would come out and tell Stephanie she sympathizes about “dat hard jail life.”  Brie’s music plays – if she’s a “normal citizen” why is that happening?  Brie essentially calls Stephanie a spoiled bitch and Stephanie begs Brie to drop the charges.  This will predictably lead to Brie being reinstated.  Brie tells Stephanie “You deserve to go to HELL!”  She loves her fake acting and saying HELL.

Brie says that she has a list of demands.  Brie wants her job back.  Steph tries to say she only needs one Bella but Brie responds with “see you in court.”  Stephanie says that it’s a done deal then and Brie is rehired.  Brie says there is one more thing she wants – a match at Summerslam… with Stephanie.  Stephanie keeps playing reluctant and crying and claiming she is not an in-ring competitor and has not been in over 10 years (glossing over her “victory” over Vickie, which counts as a victory for Stephanie despite her not being dressed to compete).  Stephanie pretends to be broken by having to accept this but then uses the opportunity to blindside Brie and tell her she’s going to make her her bitch.  Brie gets back up and the two begin fighting.  Mercury, Noble, and Finlaydick.JPG try to break this up.  When they aren’t enough Triple H makes it out here.

MY NAME IS FINLAY AND I LOVE TO DICK.JPG!

This ends with the two women being ready to kill each other.  So the story of tonight as a very Diva-oriented RAW which probably means TOTAL DIVAS season is upon us and WWE wants to get that female demographic up.  We have AJ/Paige, Naomi/Cameron and Stephanie/Brie while also having Layla and Summer Rae continue tormenting Fandango.  I don’t mind the influx of women but I definitely feel that we need less Stephanie, not more of it.  Hopefully this doesn’t lead to a Diva-Overdose as while it’s good to have women’s feuds they should probably use Smackdown more efficiently and balance it out better that way as well – of course Smackdown will just be rehash-RAW again which is why I stopped recapping that crap entirely. 

Well at least that’s over.  I can now continue doing other, more important things in my life… Where did I put those porn bookmarks?

I would apologize for this NXT recap being later than normal, but that goes against my “never apologize for anything” policy.  Besides, I have a life. And it’s hard to find the time to watch wrestling often when you have one.  That’s not me being a dick or insulting any of you out there who live, breathe, eat, and sleep wrestling. It’s just true that if you’re out in the world with lots of bills and lots of responsibilities you seldom have the time to dedicate to projects.  Of course, you can throw me a few bucks via PayPal to help outjasonrivera@gmail.com – I’d much rather have less of a life to have more time to write about NXT.

…not really; I’d probably just masturbate a lot and play World of Warcraft (not at the same time, at least not until the new Blood Elf Female models are released).

I’m a sick man.  Anyway, it’s time to do the NXT thing that I do.  We’re shown highlights of NXT Takeover where Charlotte became the NXT Women’s Champion.  Ever since Charlotte won it she’s actually had to look more and more like a woman every day in order for WWE to not be sued for false advertising.  Tonight, Charlotte’s former BFF, Summer Rae challenges for the NXT Women’s Championship.  Summer Rae has also been successful, after filming the Marine 4, Total Divas, and dumping Poor Person’s Layla (Sasha Banks) for ACTUAL Layla.  I’m not sure who I’m supposed to cheer for here.  Is Summer Rae a face?  Is Charlotte a face?  And who gains custody of Sasha Banks?

Charlotte went from making my dick hide like a scared turtle to giving me a semi.

We’ll find out tonight!  The NXT Intro airs.  Up next we are introduced to the By Default Tag Team Champions, the Ascension.

Jobbers haven't been this traumatized since Ryback's career began.

I feel like the Ascension’s 295 day title reign is less impactful when you realize they mostly fight jobbers, and that the last two credible teams they fought were Kalisto & El Local, and before that Too Cool.  To their credit it’s not their fault that NXT has had no tag teams for the majority of their reign but now that there are actual teams to face it will be interesting to see how much longer the “dominant reign” continues.

Bill DeMott paid the local Taco Bell in "developmental contracts" again.

See?  This is what I’m talking about. They dug up a poor man’s TNA Bram (which is funny since Bram was formerly a part of the Ascension), and some random deflated Puerto Rican who looks like Los Matadores found him swimming at the bottom of their toilet one day and got the guy hooked up with an NXT tryout.  Fighting teams like this don’t make the Ascension impressive.  It just makes them bullies and we all know how the WWE feels about bullying:

Even the commentators refer to these guys as “Two Local Competitors.”  The one thing I get from these crappy matches is that the Ascension works very well as a team and they definitely have a good presence.  Konnor has been in developmental for damn near a decade on and off and so it’s about time they found the right fit for him.  Viktor is the last student of the Dungeon, and so it goes without saying he deserves a spot.  Ascension wipes their asses with these nobodies (who were NEVER given actual names by the NXT commentary team), and we move onto new business.

You know if Tyler Breeze doesn’t make it with this whole “being a wrestler” thing at least he can be an effective janitor with those two mops attached to his boots. 

Breeze apparently injured his fingers which leads me to believe Audrey Marie has teeth inside of her vagina.  Still he’s here tonight because the alternative to walking around like that is losing the momentum he has gained since he is the current number 1 contender for the NXT championship.  Renee Young claims the injury was caused by hand-modelling which is a dangerous career. 

As much as I joke about Tyler Breeze he may simultaneously have one of the greatest and one of the gayest gimmicks of all time being a bootleg version of Zoolander/Hansel.  And as many jokes as I make he gets to have his nose in Audrey’s butthole so I can’t hate on his game, I have to respect it.  Breeze is taking on the Absolute Worst Person on NXT, Mojo Rawley.

Much like Meth, Mojo Rawley: NOT. EVEN. ONCE.

Seriously, when your only gimmick is “I’m on PCP but we call it HYPE,” it just doesn’t work for me.  Maybe if they were in a less PG era where they could legitimately make Mojo Rawley’s gimmick a guy who does way too much blow, this would be okay, but the “hype” thing just gets boring fast, as does the fact he’s simply annoying. 

I would rather watch somebody wrestle Mojo, the fat yellow blob from the X-Men comics than wrestle Mojo Rawley.  Rawley yells “OH YEAH, LET’S DO THIS!” and Tyler Breeze seems hesitant to lock up with him, claiming he is injured and shouldn’t have to do this.  Renee claims that Breeze’s injury is a hangnail as the two lock up.  Immediately Breeze his the Beauty Shot out of nowhere and takes Rawley out.  I hope the next time we see Mojo it’s in the unemployment line as he is released from contract.  I’m glad the “HYPE” NXT management had for this guy ran out.  He’s crap.  He’s more than crap, he’s horrible taco shits that burn your asshole and have a slight bit of blood in them.  He should change his Twittername to @NXTDiarrhea.

Once the NXT arena has been hosed down, deodorized and disinfected of the stench that is Mojo Rawley, we get our NXT Women’s Championship match between Charlotte and Summer Rae.

Alex Riley says that Summer gives you the feeling if she wants something she’s going to take it. Renee Young adds that Summer “takes it without any prisoners.”  I equate this to meaning Summer Rae takes a lot of penis. 

Charlotte has to have underwent some kind of surgery, like maybe a full sexual reassignment to go from looking like a creepy over-flexible transvestite at the start of her NXT career to an actual woman. She looks great coming, but not so much going because for some reason the only ass she’s got is the same ass her father has. Charlotte is in firm control in the early going, out-wrestling Summer Rae, as to be expected.  After a good long time of seeing Charlotte in firm control, Summer ends up in control, not so much with solid wrestling but strikes and kicks while yelling that she MADE Charlotte.  I believe the person who MADE Charlotte is Ric and one of his 600 ex-wives.  Unfortunately Summer locking her body around Charlotte multiple times and continuing to yell “I MADE YOU” is causing the crowd not to be into the match at all.  They’re not behind Charlotte and they are not behind Summer so they start a BORING chant, even though Summer starts returning the hurtin’ Charlotte put on her with a beautiful single leg crab.

Summer reaches for Charlotte’s head who counters by biting her.  And so the zombie apocalypse began.  The crowd still isn’t into any of this even though both women are working very solidly.  Charlotte eventually wins with her Snapmare out of nowhere to put an end to a match that the crowd really didn’t care about.

I feel like all the Vaudevillains are missing are a van and a big bag of candy….

…because here are the Trick Or Treaters.  Sin Cara is the new partner for Kalisto and I’m okay with that.  I like Sin Cara/Hunico and these two should gel really well.  Despite the fact it should be an exciting team the crowd just doesn’t seem into it.  I wonder if that means this is the 3rd or 4th set of NXT tapings for this series; the crowd gets tired and winded after a certain point. They really don’t seem to be into anything that is going on past the Ascension match in the opening stages of this program.  Sin Cara and Kalisto ultimately get a victory and the crowd wakes up slightly.

I don’t know why but thanks to all the “beating up black guys,” “Putin.JPGS” and the controversial “Malaysian Plane Crash promo,” Rusev and Lana crack me up.  This main event which nobody has bothered to discuss or advertise until right now, is up next. 

Adrian Neville, this happy little Orc fellow is just way too cheerful for someone who is going to fight Rusev the Slob. 

Why does it always feel like Putin is staring directly at Lana's ass?

You knew Putin.JPG would make an appearance.  I’m waiting for the day accidental Putin nudes show up on the Titantron.

Rusev comes out with his stupid little fictionally-awarded award that looks like a gold star rewarded to him in Kindergarten for successfully completing naptime without waking up to tell us he is the SUPER ATHLETE and fight Neville.  Rusev dominates the majority of the match until Neville starts to mount a comeback which is ruined by Tyler Breeze running interference.  Breeze watches while everyone’s favorite Bulgarian slob destroys Neville, hoping that it means Neville is taken down a notch for their upcoming match.  NXT comes to a close and now it is time to say goodbye and do other things with my life until next time!